Mr Big

So I recently broke up with whom I regard to as my Mr Big, well recent is relative, does 3 months count as recent? Any way, I digress. I call him Big because he is my addiction, I can't get over him or the way he made me feel-in bed of course, as a boyfriend he sucked, oh but that fool could lay the pipe. He was always none committal, when I was eventually invited to his place he called it a big deal for us as if people don't do it. I should have seen this as a sign that this was going to end badly  but I wad blinded by lust and love and whatever else you can think of that convinced me that This was a healthy relationship.

Today my good friend sent me a link to an article on whether to take back your Mr Big. And that got me thinking. I recently deleted his Number of my phone for the first time in almost two years, and according to another friend this is a huge step for me. But the article got me thinking, if he called me today, right at this moment would I say no thanks or yes, and I probably would say yes. Just to get laid hehehe - three months is a long time, I can feel my hymen growing back.

But in all seriousness, how many people are sitting in fucked up relationships holding on for this guy who refuses to commit because it's easier to have one instead of being alone? How many are sitting in the lounge right now at midnight wondering if he's coming home tonight or whom he's sleeping with tonight?

So, here I am, wine drenched (this is my drug of choice as you know) and thinking or reflecting on my current state of singleness. Do I really believe, deep down what I keep telling my friends - that my value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see it. Or is that just a shield I put up but deep down I don't believe it myself? As I feel my heart race as I have to face my demons, I take another sip of my wine and ponder.

I would probably go back to Big, because I am creature of habit and I get scared, and right now I am not only scared, but patrified of the path ahead.

Online Dating Gone Wrong

On my quest to diversify how I meet men, I signed up for Cosmo Dating and what's the worse that could happen really??

Beyond the fact that all the black men on there were scary looking (and I mean stalker, could kidnap you kinda scary)! So when one of them sent me an email I ignored it at first, then he sent another email and I thought shame, he must really want to meet me. We started talking via email and he sounded sane and wouldn't want to kidnap me. We exchanged numbers and he called me - at 7am!! I don't like anyone that early!!

And he then proceeded to tell me he has been in two accidents and is now bed ridden because his body was broken into pieces and then he got shot in one of the legs - I was so confused. And needless to say, I never spoke to him again. This was about a year ago, and last week he sends me a whatsapp!!! Like WTF!!!! Why not call, so I continued to ignore him and he has continued to stalk me - arrgh!! Block him!!!

Wine drenched questions

Met up with Dr Jackhammer again, just to see if what I have always said was true - that bad sex is really a deal breaker. And there we were sitting, talking - mostly him talking about his work and how he loves it, blah blah blah. And as he jack hammered away at me, I just knew that this was the end.

I have always believed that human contact, no matter how rubbish and horrible it is, is good. But here I was, fighting back tears. I was not sure why I was feeling that way, but there I was naked with a man kissing my neck, smelling his cologne all over my body and I just wanted to get into the feotal position and rock myself to sleep. And today, it hit me why I felt that way.

I wanted my ex back. Dr Jackhammer reminded me of what I had with him, and the question was why it ended. And I remember him saying to me after one of our many break-ups "promiscuity ruined us". The anger overtook me as I reached for the bottle of wine, what he did to me was not promiscuity, he fucked someone else and then another.

I took him back again and again and in the midst also practiced some promiscuity on my account. And after every promiscuios act, we would call each other and proffess undying love for each other. And tonight, this cold June night, I was going to call him and say I miss him. I like my pills and he, my favourite drug, my Mr Wrong who knows how to touch me so right. Superman had kryptonite, I have Mr Wrong.

So my wine drenched heart asks me this tonight: is it possible to have amazing spine tingling, sweat on brow sex with someone who ticks the right boxes? A mature man who knows where he is going in his life and says and does the right things or is that guy going to jackhammer for 10 minutes because some girl who has had sex with two people told him it was the way to go? Or in the quest for good sex, do we have to settle for a Mr Wrong who calls his unfaithfulness promiscuity?

Mr Steroids

In an attempt to get over my ex, I asked my friend - one of the ones who said I should write this down, hooked me up on a date with a work mate. She said he was hot and a nice guy. So there I went on a blind date with this guy. I was lated because I was working and when I got there - my friend was there - OK. Thought he was probably waiting with him so I didn't get too freaked out.

We were introduced, thought he was  a nice guy - built and spoke well. Ok, we could do this. We asked each other questions etc, but my friend was still there , which made it a rather awkward first date.

In the midst of the Q& A session, he askes me who my ex was because he had seen a conversation between myself and my friend, I was dumbfounded!!! I just pretended casually that he was someone I knew.

A couple of weeks later, I fell sick and he came to see me at my house. And then we started kissing and thought - hey, this couldn't be too bad. I am a single woman, I can get my groove on. So we moved on to the bedroom.

As he pulled out his penis - I was in shock and horror, and not in a good way - he was sooo small!!! So, it was one of those moments as Katt Williams puts it "I'm big as fuck but my dick little, touch my muscles"! And he thought he was out of this world!!!

I mean that was a pity fuck, I didn't do it because I liked him - I just wanted him to leave me alone!! And he was sooooo shit!!!!! It lasted all of 10 maybe 15 minutes. I never spoke to him again.

Then a month later he calls to say "I feel as though if I don't talk to you, another guy will be talking to you and I should've given you more time. But I don't want anything serious. I can offer you fun". My response to that was simple - "what are the terms and conditions to fun? Can I still see other people, have sex with other people?". To which his response was "yes". So I tell him I don't want to have fun, I want something serious now. He responds "well, I can't be pressured because your clock is ticking"
I was beyond SHOCKED!!! And I hung up.

Today, 2 months later, he calls to say he can offer more than fun - MXIM!!!

Moral of the story: Don't give pity fucks, they just get attached and that's not the vibe!!!

Jackhammer

The word jackhammer came from a friend who after telling her my story of how horrid this one man was said to me "Oh my gosh friend, like he jackhammered you!!". If you don't know what a jackhammer does, please youtube it. So I met this guy through a friend and he was supposed to blow my mind as she had heard good feedback - ok, we shall indeed try him out...

So, there we are making out. Now his tongue did some move that I can only describe as strange. It would attack my mouth, then my tongue and before I knew it it had disappeared, then it appeared again. It was the Sahara desert down under and I had waxed - felt like such a waste.

He proceeded to jackhammer me all night, you know sex is bad when you imagine having sex with the hottest man in the world and it still doesn't get you even slightly excited *deepsigh*. And shame, poor guy was working so hard, he was sweating and all, shame. I tried to change things up by getting on top and he wouldn't let me - like WTF!!!!!

As I was lying there being jackhammered, all I thought was: as soon as I leave here, I need to call my crazy dude and tell him I'm sorry and he needs to come back home, just like Cedric in Think Like a Man said to Gail "Its hard out here in the streets"

And so started my new get out of bad sex line "I am training the new ushers at church, I can't sleep over"

Mr Jackhammer *smh*

Mr Mink

Sitting in Cape Town, I can't help but think about a boy that we call "Mr Mink". Now I was minding my own business looking for a bathroom at a work function that we had here and I bumped into someone, who said "hey, aren't you guy from bar after absinthe's girlfriend?" my response, no darling, I am a free agent. with a BIG smile Mr Mink says "Ok cool, I will see you later then"

He was young, he looked young and I didn't recognise him, even after he tried to describe where I met him. GBF (Gay Best Friend) was with me and looked at me and we moved on. We bumped into him a bit later at another place and we coordinated our coitus that evening. It would be in my room because his roommate had also found someone. I had a roommate, what was I going to do with her now *think, think, think*. After trying to organise her a place to sleep she said she would just sleep and not make any noise, strange but ok. It must have been ok because I have always wanted someone to watch, but I digress.

I gave him my room card and told him to arrive in an hour and I would wait for him. He arrived and we started making out and trying very hard to be silent. Bra came off, pants came off, condom went on and then when I tried to feel my hand was pushed away - ooookkkk. As I waited in anticipation for the obviouse monster that was supposed to penetrate, I felt nothing............. But he was working hard. If you could see my face, I was in absolute shock and horror, so I decided to sleep. I don't know how long he was going for, I slept.........

In the morning, I opened for him and I think it was a high 5 or a fist bump, or was it a hug - who knows, all I knew was that it was an uncomfortable sleep with my head hitting the headboard. My friend then laughed at me becuase she says she heard no sounds - hahhahahahahahahaha!!!!!

He acted like I didn't know him the next day and was over him, but I was still curious, what happened? Was I just that drunk that I didn't feel anything? I had to find out. When we got back to Joburg, he called me up, his girlfriend was out of town, I could come to his place. I drive all the way to Pretoria and I indeed figured out what the problem was........... He was indeed a small boy *hidesface*. At that moment, I wished I could've drank more.

The name Mr Mink came from a picture that he sent me of his maybe 3cm member in a mink blanket. He was trying to entice me, now, I always wonder: Ladies, what are you telling to these little dick guys that makes them think they rock your worlds sooooo much???? Yes I went back again and again to Mr Mink - that also told me I had to get a handle on my alcohol and deal with my loneliness issues. You can't have bad sex just because you are lonely.

A couple of years later, he sends me an email: do you want some D? Me: I have a flu, maybe next time. As I have a sip of my martini in Hyde Park. Aint nobody got time for that!!

The OMG WTF GTFOH moment

Fast forward a couple of years, 3 to be exact with guy from bar after absinthe, must be honest, I was an honest woman when I was with him, well except for that night with a friend's friend but thats a story for another day.

It ended badly with us, and I mean badly. I was so mad, I drove to our house and demanded cutlery.
*Side note, don't get drunk and be mad and have keys to a place where you both lived and the ex is still there - it ends badly*

So here I was, 24 and single again. I hadn't had sex in about 3 months, varsity was starting the next day when my GBF told me there was a Miller Party at Inc. on Friday night. We were there looking all hot in VIP (the only way to party), perving over Sizwe Dlomo; now before your mind starts to wonder - I did NOT have sexual relations with that man. The patrone was flowing, hips were moving and then he looked at me....................


I had known this guy from work but I always looked from afar, because as I always say "don't shit where you eat", but the way he looked at me at that moment, I knew it was on. And somewhere in my patrone fuelled mind, it dawned on me: I haven't waxed in 4 months and I'm wearing a spanx.

We decided it was time to go home, he jumped into my car, we did the drunk McDonalds thing and went to his place. My two friends still around with us, we got to his place and my girlfriend wanted to sleep and knew it was going down. He threw a mink at her, now mink and a leather couch - you could just die from dehydration nje. But she ended up leaving after GBF told her to get out of there and come to his place.

 

In the midst of all of this, all I am thinking about is "what am I going to do with this spanx when I take it off" *think think think* It's too small to put into my clutch bag, I'll take it off and pop it into my food packet and grab it on my way out later for varsity and that's what I did.

Went to the bedroom and like that Boom Shaka song - it was on and about bloody time!!! It was awesome, even forgot I hadn't waxed.

*Side note: you GOTTA GOTTA keep it waxed, you never know when a "hard member" can come up in your life ;)

Got up in the morning, with my freakum dress and held my head up high as I walked into Vega that Saturday morning. Yes I was still drunk, yes I looked like the tramp I was a couple of hours later but I had just had possibly the best sex of my life - who gave a fuck, well I didn't. I don't understand girls who have issues with the "walk of shame" as some whore told me (I will tell you about her, nx); "for you its a walk of shame, for me its a lap of victory". So use that next time you leave a guys house at 10am in your club get-up ;)

He was strange for about two weeks at work and then we did it again, and again that night.

And he neve spoke to me again - WTF GTFOH