Mr Big

So I recently broke up with whom I regard to as my Mr Big, well recent is relative, does 3 months count as recent? Any way, I digress. I call him Big because he is my addiction, I can't get over him or the way he made me feel-in bed of course, as a boyfriend he sucked, oh but that fool could lay the pipe. He was always none committal, when I was eventually invited to his place he called it a big deal for us as if people don't do it. I should have seen this as a sign that this was going to end badly  but I wad blinded by lust and love and whatever else you can think of that convinced me that This was a healthy relationship.

Today my good friend sent me a link to an article on whether to take back your Mr Big. And that got me thinking. I recently deleted his Number of my phone for the first time in almost two years, and according to another friend this is a huge step for me. But the article got me thinking, if he called me today, right at this moment would I say no thanks or yes, and I probably would say yes. Just to get laid hehehe - three months is a long time, I can feel my hymen growing back.

But in all seriousness, how many people are sitting in fucked up relationships holding on for this guy who refuses to commit because it's easier to have one instead of being alone? How many are sitting in the lounge right now at midnight wondering if he's coming home tonight or whom he's sleeping with tonight?

So, here I am, wine drenched (this is my drug of choice as you know) and thinking or reflecting on my current state of singleness. Do I really believe, deep down what I keep telling my friends - that my value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see it. Or is that just a shield I put up but deep down I don't believe it myself? As I feel my heart race as I have to face my demons, I take another sip of my wine and ponder.

I would probably go back to Big, because I am creature of habit and I get scared, and right now I am not only scared, but patrified of the path ahead.